A great zircon in the diadem
of American literature
- Gore Vidal
~
Don't Grow Wishbones where your
back bone ought to be
- Unknown
~
Nostrildamus:
The aborted sneeze, for example. You feel it coming, you get ready - and it fizzles out.
Other alternatives:
adenoidance, eruptus interruptus,
nosedud, noblow and gesundnotquite
- Unknown
~
Hohophobia:
The anxiety that is felt each year on
first hearing Christmas music in a mall
Other alternatives:
Handel's Nausiah, jingle blahs
or Santa Affective Disorder (SAD)
- Unknown
~
oldielocks:
The thinning pony tail that
some balding boomers wear
Other alternatives:
dork-handle, ratlet, and phoneytail
- Unknown
~
Hameo:
The person who tries to get on TV
by jumping up and down behind a reporter
Other alternatives:
jerk-on-the-box, parasight, tele-bitionist,
teletwirp and vidiot - Unknown
~
Motorolamouth
Someone who engages in the obnoxious
use of cellphones in public places
- Unknown
~
Immaculate correction
The spontaneous act of a computer
fixing itself as soon as a repair person arrives
- Unknown
~
Forevuary:
The long, cold, dark span between
New Year's Day and Good Friday
- Unknown
~
Cranksinatra:
The sound of a car engine trying to start
on a cold winter morning in the driveway
- Unknown
~
Asscapades:
A perilous dance performed inadvertently
on ice or hard-packed snow
Other alternatives:
floptrot, hopsicle, triple klutz and
dance of the sore bum fairies, icekaputs
- Unknown
~
Indian bummer:
The blast of winter that comes after
the first few days of spring warmth -
in other words, the opposite of Indian summer
- Unknown
~
Beauty is in the eye
of the beer holder
- Unknown
~
Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water
is Naive spelled backwards?
- Unknown
~
Gee, what a terrific party. Later
on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other
- Neil Simon
~
I am not a vegetarian because I love
animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants
- A. Whitney Brown
~
Never trust a man who combs his hair
straight from his left armpit
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
~
He can't help it - he was born
with a silver foot in his mouth
- Ann Richards
~
He has Van Gogh's
ear for music
- Billy Wilder
~
He's liked, but he's not well liked
- Arthur Miller
~
I'd give my right arm
to be ambidextrous
- Unknown
~
I feel so miserable without you,
it's almost like having you here
- Stephen Bishop
~
If a cow laughed, would milk
come out her nose?
- Unknown
~
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base
- Dave Barry
~
A team effort is a lot of people
doing what I say
- Unknown
~
If you can't live without me,
why aren't you dead already?
- Cynthia Heimel
~
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me
- Jack Handey
~
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening,
but this wasn't it
- Groucho Marx
~
I regard you with an indifference
closely bordering on aversion
- Robert Louis Stevenson
~
I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said; The whole time
- Unknown
~
I wish I'd known you
when you were alive
- Leonard Louis Levinson
~
Jello is also a dish
best served cold
- Unknown
~
She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious
- W. Somerset Maugham
~
Some folks are wise and
some are otherwise
- Tobias George Smolett
~
Sometimes I need what only
you can provide: your absence
- Ashleigh Brilliant
~
No one really listens to anyone else,
and if you try it for a while you'll see why
- McLaughlin
~
If I were married to you,
I'd put poison in your coffee
- Lady Astor (to Churchill)
If you were my wife,
I'd drink it
- Winston Churchill
~
It's a small world, but I
wouldn't want to paint it
- Steven Wright
~
In California, they don't throw
their garbage away - they make
it into TV shows
- Woody Allen
~
He is so mean, he won't let his little baby have more than one measle at a time
- Eugene Field
~
Stay with me;
I want to be alone
- Joey Adams
~
This is your receipt for your husband
and this is my receipt for your receipt
- Brazil
~
You're a parasite
for sore eyes
- Gregory Ratoff
~
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies
- Woody Allen
~
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs
- Unknown
~
You fool! You fell for one of the classic blunders!!! The first is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia', but only slightly less well known is this - 'Never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line!!!
- Vincini (The Princess Bride)
~
My parents went to Niagra Falls
and all I got was this crummy life
- Unknown
~
In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired or otherwise
persuaded to leave
- Conway's Law
~
Teamwork is essential, it allows
you to blame someone else
- Unknown
~
I am the mother of all things,
and all things should wear a sweater
- Unknown
~
I'm as confused as a
baby in a topless bar
- Unknown
~
Friends help you move.
Real friends help you move bodies
- Unknown
~
An empty desk is
an efficient desk!
- Brazil
~
Make it idiot proof and someone
will make a better idiot
- Unknown
~
I'm not a complete idiot,
some parts are missing!
- Unknown
~
Always remember you're unique,
just like everyone else
- Unknown
~
Lottery: A tax on people
who are bad at math
- Unknown
~
There's too much blood
in my caffeine system
- Unknown
~
We have enough youth,
how about a fountain of smart
- Unknown
~
He who burns his bridges
better be a damn good swimmer
- Unknown
~
There's so much comedy on television.
Does that cause comedy in the streets?
- Dick Cavett
~
Time's fun when
you're having flies
- Kermit the Frog
~
Our company does not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, age, or religion .... unless the religions are bizarre and unpopular and can be considered cults (and so may be freely discriminated against), or you are a short, fat, bald, ugly guy (and can be picked on without restraint), or are a nerd, smoker, or single person. Stupid people may now also be discriminated against due to the failure of their lobbying efforts
- Scott Adams
~
He's a masochistic equine necrophiliac...
but that's beating a dead horse
- Woody Allen
~
Haven't you learned anything from that guy you gives those sermons in church? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those 'Police Academy' movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody
laughing, did you?
- Homer Simpson
~
Having the critics praise you is like
having the hangman say you've
got a pretty neck
- Eli Wallach
~
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats - approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less
- Unknown
~
If we are the only intelligent life in the
universe, at least there's a finite
number of idiots
- Steven Coallier
~
Every dogma must
have its day
- H. G. Wells
~
The trouble with the rat race is even
if you win you're still a rat
- Lily Tomlin
~
You're a creature of the night, Michael.
Wait'll Mom hears about this!
- The lost boys
~
The parent code: you are the last person in
the room with a baby therefore you must stay
- Carolyn Eshelman
~
It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking
is one of leading causes of statistics
- Fletcher Knebel
~
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
- Ronnie Shakes
~
In Mexico we have a word
for sushi: Bait
- Jose Simon
~
Curiosity killed the cat,
but for a while I was a suspect
- Steven Wright
~
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife
asks for nothing
- Joey Adams
~
Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked "Brightness," but it doesn't work
- Gallagher
~
If there is no God, who pops
up the next Kleenex?
- Art Hoppe
~
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population
- David Letterman
~
Traffic signals in New York
are just rough guidelines
- David Letterman
~
If I were two-faced,
would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
~
I feel like a fugitive from
the law of averages
- William H. Mauldin
~
I never forget a face, but in your case
I'll be glad to make an exception
- Groucho Marx
~
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book
- Groucho Marx
~
It is only a process if
it cannot be changed
- Darren Cummings
~
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets
- Dr. Who
~
You possess a mind not merely twisted,
but actually sprained
- Unknown
~
There's no real need to do housework,
after four years it doesn't
get any worse
- Unknown
~
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."
- Steven Wright
~
I'm moving to Mars next week,
so if you have any boxes...
- Steven Wright
~
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving
- Steven Wright
~
I installed a skylight in my apartment....
The people who live above me are furious!
- Steven Wright
~
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
- Steven Wright
~
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing?
This steers it."
- Steven Wright
~
I went to a general store. They wouldn't
let me buy anything specifically
- Steven Wright
~
Living hell is the best revenge
- Adrienne E. Gusoff
~
I don't want to work but I have to work to make enough money so I don't have to work
- Adrienne E. Gusoff
~
So many men, so few bullets
- Adrienne E. Gusoff
~
I'd be normal.but I had a family
- Adrienne E. Gusoff
~
Farting DOES NOT
constitute "aroma therapy"
- Adrienne E. Gusoff
~
The worst part about getting bags under your eyes is finding the shoes to match
- Adrienne E. Gusoff
~
If you live your life with your head up your ass, you always experience the same old shit
- Adrienne E. Gusoff
~
Virtue is its own reward; sin pays better
- Adrienne E. Gusoff
~
The world is round; it has no point
- Adrienne E. Gusoff
~
If you're swimming and get tangled in seaweed, sea kelp
- Adrienne E. Gusoff
~
Girls just want to have funds
- Adrienne E. Gusoff
~
Just when you realize life's a bitch,
it has puppies
- Adrienne E. Gusoff
~
Grandma always admonished me to be a "good girl." "Why should he buy the cow when he gets the milk for free," she'd ask. And I'd remind her that once he owns the cow, he can turn her into hamburger
- Adrienne E. Gusoff
~
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
- Steven Wright
~
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping
- Steven Wright
~
It's not how GOOD you are but how BAD you want it (of course if you really suck then it really doesn't matter how bad you want it)
- Unknown
(Thanks Ruth Armstrong)
~